In the second part of Elizabeth Burns’ article about recognising the early warning signs of abusive behaviour and in support of Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, Elizabeth gives some practical tips on steps that you could take if you are concerned about your partner’s behaviour.

Steps to Take if you are Concerned About Your Partner’s Behaviour

If you are concerned about any of the above behaviours, or any other behaviour from your partner, consider the following:

  1. Make sure to maintain personal boundaries. For example, if you are spending time with friends or family, it is OK not to message your partner back immediately, and to let them know that you will be unavailable. If your partner respects this, that’s great. If they push back on this or try to manipulate you into feeling bad for this reasonable boundary, you may have a problem.
  2. Pay attention to how your partner describes their past relationships. If they are unable to speak about ex-partners respectfully, take accountability for things they may have done wrong in previous relationships, or claim all of their ex-partners were ‘crazy’, this may be a red flag. Likewise, if they have jumped from relationship to relationship without taking time to heal and grow, you may wish to consider whether this is right for you.
  3. Consider whether they back up their words with consistent actions. If a partner is love bombing you but not treating you with respect or behaving in ways that do not feel right, pay attention to this. Anyone can say the right things, but if they’re not supported by their behaviour, it is the behaviour that you should give weight to.
  4. Take things at a pace that feels comfortable to you and try not to be swept up in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship. Avoid becoming financially tied to your partner in the early stages of the relationship and wait to move in together until you are completely certain that you are ready for it.
  5. If friends or family are expressing concern about your relationship, do not jump to defending your partner or dismissing these concerns without considering them first. Whilst friends and family can be over-protective, and it may be that their concerns are unfounded, they may also come from a place of genuine care and concern. It is easier for people outside of your relationship to view things impartially, and they may be picking up on things that you haven’t noticed.
  6. Check in with yourself about how you are feeling and validate these emotions. If you are feeling more stressed or worried than usual, experiencing nausea, unpleasant ‘butterflies’, or a general sense of ‘dread’, or if you find yourself changing your own behaviour or words often due to worry about how your partner will react, don’t ignore this. Discuss any concerns with friends and family for support or consider speaking to a therapist or counsellor.
  7. Take time to educate yourself on healthy relationships and set your own internal standards and boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable for you in a relationship.
  8. If your relationship is abusive or you are concerned that it is becoming abusive, please do not suffer in silence. Contact the police if you are concerned about your safety, ask friends and family for help, consult local domestic abuse support groups, or seek legal advice if needed.

At Ellisons, our Family Team are experienced in assisting victims of domestic abuse and can offer advice and support in a safe environment at one of our offices in Ipswich, Bury St Edmunds, Chelmsford, Colchester, or Frinton-on-Sea. We offer a free exploratory call so that we can match your specific needs with the right person in our family team.

If you would like to arrange an appointment to discuss this further, please call our offices on 01206 764477.